Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc,alt.tv.mst3k,rec.arts.startrek.current From: zorak@netcom.com (Lone Locust of the Apocalypse) Subject: MSTing Voyager: "Twisted" Message-ID: Followup-To: rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc Sender: zorak@netcom5.netcom.com Organization: Screen Locusts Guild Date: Tue, 3 Oct 1995 08:16:08 GMT Followups directed to rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc. Past MSTings are available at ftp://ftp.netcom.com/pub/zo/zorak/voymst. This is all in the spirit of fun -- I actually do like TNG/DS9/VOY. If you aren't amused, and you use rn or trn, you can add /^MSTing Voyager/:j to your killfile (hit control-k) and you won't see my future MSTings. If you don't use trn, you ought to :-) Feedback is welcome (except "Why are you harshing on Voyager?" stuff which will be ignored). MSTings and spoilers for this week's Voyager, "Twisted" (no stardate given, if I'm not mistaken). Riffs are more or less randomly assigned to Servo, Crow, or Mike, although some of them are more appropriate assignments. Well, this week's episode was another 4-pager for me. I have combined my riffs with those of my friend Tom Weisswange . I had to merge two files, so the quotes may not be in exact order... [shortly after Kes walks in to the dark holodeck and it becomes obvious this is going to be a surprise party, but before they actually shout "SURPRISE!"] Crow, by himself: Surprise! Servo: Not yet, you idiot! Crow: Sorry, sorry! [the anomaly is displayed on screen for the first time] Kim: What is that!? Crow: it's the space anomaly of the week. Torres: The wish has to be a secret if it's going to come true. Servo: How does a *Klingon* know so much about an Earth custom? Paris: Birthday gifts are also an Earth tradition [hands her small gift] Servo (as Paris): It's a nose hair trimmer. Kes: that must have cost you a week's worth of replicator rations. Paris: Two weeks, actually, but who's counting? Mike: you are, apparently. [Neelix walks over to Chakotay to begin this week's fit of jealousy] Neelix: Did you see that? Chakotay: See what? Neelix (having difficulty): He... he... Mike: hachoo! [well, *I* thought it sounded like he was about to sneeze...] Tuvok: We have encountered an unusual phenomenon... Mike & bots (in unison): doo-doo, doo-doo-doo Tuvok: ...phenomenon... in unison: (bis) [repeat this throughout the episode, more or less any time someone says "phenomen(on|a)"] Janeway: I'm afraid we're going to have to cut your party short... Neelix: But, but, but -- Crow (as Kes): It's my party, and I'll cry if I want to! Kim: It's generating intense pulses of E-M radiation. Servo: So am I. Kim: The distortion has completely surrounded us, like a ring. Tuvok: If we cannot go around it, then we will have to go through it. Crow: If they can't go around it, wouldn't that make it a sphere? [P.S. didn't Kim say the ring would intercept them in "less than 10 minutes"? OK, I guess 2 seconds is less than 10 minutes...] Tuvok: I would prefer to minimize the time that contact lasts. Crow: I learned that from a Vulcan sex manual. [this officer is later identified as "Baxter"] Baxter: Maybe that explains why the gym got so cold. Kim: Cold? Crow: Yeah, it's the opposite of hot. Baxter: Should I report to my duty station? Mike: No, I think the ship would be best served if you stood here and picked your nose. [Incidentally, why is this crewman, who has 2 pips, being so deferential towards Kim, an ensign?] [Various times Torres wanders around ship] Servo: Puma? Puma? Chief? Crow: McCloud? Baxter: Something very strange is going on. Mike: Yeah, we've never seen you on the ship before. [Janeway, Chakotay, and Paris experience difficulty with the turbolift] Chakotay: The computer could be mis-reading out voice commands. Paris: That would explain why it took us here instead of the bridge. Janeway: We'd better try setting the controls manually. Servo: Damn Windows '95... Baxter: Ensign Kim said we'd encoutered a spatial distortion. Torres: Did he say what kind? Mike: It's a kind we've *never* encountered before! Crow: You'd think they would eventually run into one they'd seen before... Doctor: I am a doctor, not a bartender. Crow: Dammit, Jim! [the bimbo pulls him in for a kiss] Servo: He's not much of a kisser either. Janeway: Mister Kim, I'm with you. Let's do it. [Mike and bots make coughing noises] [Neelix, painfully pronouncing each and every syllable] Neelix: Kee-oh-to's quarters... Ni-co-let-ti... Hargrove... A-ya-la. Crow: Oh, he's practicing his speech therapy. [Kes and Neelix have their weekly soap opera conversation] Crow: Not this jealousy business again. Neelix: Paris obviously has excellent taste. Mike: especially his liver. [Crow and Servo make slurping noises, like Anthony Hopkins in Silence of the Lambs] Kes: I was afraid you might be jealous. Servo: not in a million years, no way. Neelix: You, my dearest, have seen the last of that green-eyed puss hog called "jealousy." Crow: What about the one called Neelix? [OK, that was too easy] Kes: He's not special. I just remember where his quarters are. Servo: Oh, THAT sounded convincing... [Neelix growls, turns and follows Kes, and pounds his buttocks in irritation] Crow: My butt's too big! [Kes and Neelix round the corner and run into Kim and Torres] Neelix: Harry B'elanna! [without much pause between the names] Mike: She's not THAT hairy... Paris: I don't suppose anyone here knows the way to the bridge? Mike: No, but if you hum a few bars, we'll fake it. Servo: Ba-dum-bum-ch!! [Torres finds herself in the mess hall] Torres: This isn't engineering! Mike: She sure has a keen grasp of the obvious. [just after returning from commercial break, Janeway gives a capsule summary of what's happened so far] Servo (in announcer's voice): For those of you just tuning in... [Torres opens the door in engineering to reveal some Asian crewman's quarters] Torres (in utter shock): Crewman! Mike: no, I said *eight* thirty! [Neelix discusses love with Chakotay] Neelix: Commander, I would imagine you've had some experience with women. Servo (as Chakotay): Uh, experience doing what? Neelix: A handsome man like you... I bet women find you irresistible! Mike: Are you making a pass at me? Chakotay: Neelix, what's this about? Servo: Do you think my nose looks like a -- [Mike/Crow interrupt and shush him] Chakotay: Jealousy is about the fear of losing someone we love. There's no pain greater than that. Servo: Well, except for really nasty paper cuts. Chakotay: Neelix, are you afraid you're going to lose Kes to someone? in unison (very sarcastically): NoooOOoooo. Chakotay: I've always believed that what you get when you love someone... Servo: venereal disease? Chakotay: ... is greater than what you risk. Crow: losing it all in the divorce? [Chakotay & Neelix run into Tuvok, C & T converse, and Neelix wanders off and disappears] Chakotay: Neelix, let's go. Neelix? Servo: [whistles, as if calling a dog] Neelix? Here, boy! [Janeway and Kim round the corner in the conduit, on hands and knees except for holding the tri-corder; overall effect is to look silly] Servo: Is this some strange form of 3-legged race? Janeway: Odd... Kim: What is it? Mike: You know, 1, 3, 5, 7... Janeway: Now it's gone... there it is from another direction... Kim: Yeah, I'm getting it too. Janeway: ... comes and goes... jumps from place to place... Servo: What, the plot's coherence? [Janeway stops and looks at Kim and gives the "Attaboy" speech] Janeway: You've exceeded any expectations I might have had of you. Crow: ... in bed. Mike: No, that wasn't a fortune cookie. Crow: Oh. Kim: Thank you, Captain. I... I appreciate that. Servo: Is it just me or is it getting hot in this conduit? [Janeway's arm gets stuck in the distortion thingy] Servo: I hear Janeway's father was Plastic Man. Crow: Captain, this is no time to practice your crawl stroke! [Janeway stares at her hand in shock] Servo: Oh no, I've got rough flaky skin! Mike: Try Palmolive, you're soaking in it. [Kim does some technobabble analysis of the thing] Kim: And the sequence of those fluctuations matches the readings from the distortion ring. Crow: Yeah, whatever. [pool guy tries to get Doc to play pool, bimbo tries to get him to mop floor] Zimmerman: Do you see these hands? Servo: They're Palmolive hands! Zimmerman: These are surgeon's hands [...] they do not play games, and they do not mop floors! Mike (shouting): These floors are filthy and I'm not going to take it any more! [Kim carries an unconscious Janeway into the holodeck; Kes hurries to help him and holds up the top of Janeway's head] Servo: I see Kes is supporting Janeway's hair... Kim: And it isn't just Neelix who's missing... what about the rest of the crew? Crow: Uh, we already told all the extras to go home. Chakotay: Tell me something, Tuvok. Mike: Am I... pretty? [they put the tricorder readings together and get a schematic of the ship; part of the picture has things sliding up and down the sides of a rectangular field] Mike: Look, they're playing Pong! Tuvok: I estimate the ring will crush deck 6 in approximately 68 minutes. Servo: ... and 15.23 seconds. Chakotay: In case you hadn't noticed, Captain Janeway's not in any condition to make decisions. I'm in command. Servo: Al Haig, ladies and gentlemen. Chakotay: they must be close to initiating the shock burst. Crow: I thought it was a shock *pulse*. Mike: Pulse, burst, same difference. Torres: Fine, Chakotay. Have it your way. Servo: At Burger King now! Chakotay: Can I talk to her? Zimmerman: I can't guarantee she'll hear you, or be able to understand you if she does. Crow: Well, then, what's the point? [The shock pulse fails, the distortion arrives in the holodeck] Paris: We're not going anywhere. [zoom in on a crestfallen Chakotay] Servo: Boy do I feel like a heel now. [they try to set up a force field, which fails] Servo: So much for *that* idea... [Tuvok mentions the options that they've exhausted] Torres to Tuvok: You said there was another option. Mike: get out the deus ex machina! Janeway: Izz dogging doo bee too gunthing! Crow: I'll have what she's having. Servo: Is she channeling Hunk-Ra? [Tuvok and Chakotay have their nice shake-hands-and-make-up exchange] Servo: Oh, give me a hug, you big galoot! [the distortion doo-hickey passes over the pool table] Mike: I *knew* that table wasn't flat... Kim, to Paris: You afraid? Servo: Yeah, I soaked my pants a while ago. [Chakotay sits down and closes his eyes to contact his spiritual guide] Torres: Hi. [but it sounds sort of like a question, "High?"] Servo: No, I'm just about to shoot up. Chakotay: I'm trying to contact my spirit guide. Crow: I hope he used 1-800-COLLECT. [The distortion wave passes over the crew.] Servo: Ohhhhh nooooo.......yooouuuu've gooooot innnn-diiiiig-eeeest-ionnnnn. [more of the same] Mike: I wonder what this looked like before the special effects. Crow: I wonder what the stage directions for this scene said. Servo: "Sit still and breathe heavily?" Kes: Neelix, I need a photograph of you. Neelix: What for, sweetie? Mike: Tom Paris said he wanted it for an Earth game called a "dart board." -- Z. ____ Claiming that sex ed. leads to irresponsible sex is like claiming that \ / driver education leads to car accidents. [lmann@drycas.club.cc.cmu.edu] \/