Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc,alt.tv.mst3k,rec.arts.startrek.current From: zorak@netcom.com (Lone Locust of the Apocalypse) Subject: MSTing Voyager: "Cold Fire" Message-ID: Followup-To: rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc Sender: zorak@netcom6.netcom.com Organization: Screen Locusts Guild Date: Tue, 14 Nov 1995 07:55:07 GMT Followups directed to rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc. Past MSTings are available at ftp://ftp.netcom.com/pub/zo/zorak/voymst. (Good luck getting through to Netcom's FTP server though... actual FTP seems to work better than using Netscape for me, but YMMV) This is all in the spirit of fun -- I actually do like TNG/DS9/VOY. If you aren't amused, and you use rn or trn, you can add /^MSTing Voyager/:j to your killfile (hit control-k) and you won't see my future MSTings. If you don't use trn, you ought to :-) Feedback is welcome (except "Why are you harshing on Voyager?" stuff which will be ignored). MSTings and spoilers for this week's Voyager, "Cold Fire." No stardate, again!? But two "supplemental" logs. Great. Riffs are more or less randomly assigned to Servo, Crow, or Mike, although some of them are more appropriate assignments. This episode returned to our earlier levels of lameness. Besides inexplicable inconsistencies in the displays of power from Tannis and Sispyria, everyone gets magically healed at the end and once again, at the end of an hour, everything's more or less back to the way it was at the beginning of the hour. Great. So, Sispyria is this powerful being. But a force field can hold her? It takes her 47 hours to get to the region of space in which she exists? And why do they have to go to that space? Tannis said "she comes to us when we need her" didn't he? Whatever. On to the riffs. [narrator gives the capsule summary of the show, then we see "TEN MONTHS LATER" Crow: You really don't want to hear about the intervening ten months. [Tuvok's hands reach out] Mike: Look, he's catching flies. [they cup Kes's face in a strange position] Servo: This is how Vulcans kiss. Tuvok: I believe you are sensing the thoughts of various crew members on board. [...] Try to isolate one of the voices. Mike: Don't worry, they don't value their privacy. [Kes hears Neelix's thoughts as he has his hair cut] Neelix: (in Kes's mind) not the ear hairs! Servo: AAARRRRRGGHH!!!! HE'S RIPPING THEM OUT!!!! AAAUUUUGGHHH!!!! [Kes and Zimmerman hear a high-pitched whine in sick bay] Kes: What's that? Crow: It's a high-pitched whine. [Zimmerman opens the door where they're keeping the Caretaker's remains] Servo: I thought I told you to throw out the old leftovers! Janeway: The remains could be responding to the Caretaker's mate. Crow: Kinda like necrophilia in reverse. Tuvok: and if we can find her, she might have the ability to send us home. Mike: Anyone want to bet on that happening? Janeway: You're using the remains like a compass. (all): eeeewwwww... [The array fires several shots with little effect] Tuvok: incoming message fromt eh array. Servo: I guess they shoot first and ask questions later... [Janeway gets Kes to talk to the other Ocampa] Kes: My name is Kes; I'm an Ocampa. (all): (in the Alcoholics Anonymous voice) Hi, Kes. Kes: I have about a thousand questions to ask you. Servo: She's going to give him the purity test! [Tannis goes into his room and sits down at the console; he presses his hands to his temples] Mike: I've got a headache THIS BIG... [the music gives an ominous swell] Servo: Get the feeling we're about to receive a stunning revelation? [shortly after which Sispyria says that Tannis can have Kes, she just wants the ship] Tannis: Sispyria helped us develop a technology to extend the Ocampa life span three generations ago... my father lived to be 20 years. Neelix: Would that technology work for Kes? Servo: She IS an Ocampa... Chakotay: Does she occupy our space-time continuum? Mike: I like the matter-of-fact way he asked that. [Kes makes the cup move] Tannis: See... you can do it. Crow: ... with a magnet. Servo: or fishing line. [we see the liquid molecules moving around vigorously] Servo: (in documentary narrator's voice) This is a sneeze, magnified 10,000 times.. [the coffee or whatever boils] Mike: So, if she can spontaneously boil stuff, don't they have an unlimited energy supply? Tannis: That's enough for tonight. Tomorrow I'll take you to the next level. Crow: Hey, that's Neelix's job! Neelix: May I say something now? (all): No, shut up! Janeway: We'll let you know when she makes her appearance. Tannis: That won't be necessary. I'll know when she's here. Servo: smartass. [Kes tells Tuvok about how she boiled the stuff in the cup, then indicates the cup presently on the table in front of them] Kes: May I? Tuvok: Please. [Kes sits down] Mike: I have to sit down to do it. Kes: (in her mind) I have to stop the fire. How do I stop the fire? Crow: The same way you did it last time. [Tuvok's face starts blistering; Kes screams] Servo: This is the sound a pig makes when you throw it in a leaf grinder. [some time during the whole conversation about how the humans are like pets and very primitive and how Kes should move beyond them] Mike: This whole scene was lifted from "True Q" [TNG] Tannis says something like "I'll take you where you've never been before." Mike: He'll make her meow. [think "When Harry Met Sally"] [Kes starts to "bring on the fire"] Crow: Oh, now they're stealing from the Lawnmower Man. Or the Fantastic Four. Or both. [continuity error, btw -- as the flames die out, Kes sinks to her knees and then lies back so that her legs are still both bent -- looks really uncomfortable in fact -- but when Tannis goes to her, her legs are straight out] [Kes surveys the flowers which have been burnt to a crisp] Kes: They're dead (all): Jim! Kes: I still need some more time to think about it. Tannis: Take all the time you want. Servo: She can't, there's only 15 minutes left in the episode. Tannis: All the Ocampa here are connected in a way that can't be put into words. Crow: Thick-gauge wire through the ankles. Mike: He said it *couldn't* be put into words. Crow: Oh. Torres: It's definitely reacting to a sporocystian life form, and from what I can tell, that life form is right on top of us. Mike: (in thick Spanish accent) I wonder if she's using the same wind we're using. ["The Princess Bride" -- ok, that was weak] Janeway: Janeway to Tannis -- will you please come to the bridge? I believe we've made contact with Sispyria. Servo: I guess she didn't believe him. Sispyria: You destroyed the array, and you took his remains. Janeway: I assure you -- Sispyria: (interrupting) No. [Suddenly her voice is dubbed over with a deep, gravelly woman's voice] You killed him! (all): AAAAAAAAAHHH!!!! Sispyria: And now I will kill you. [blood drips down onto Janeway's shoulder] Crow: Hey, who put fake blood on my shoulder? [Janeway looks up and sees Tuvok and Torres floating near the ceiling] Servo: Why aren't they floating all the way up? Mike: That's terrible, even in the 24th century, they've hit a glass ceiling. Sispyria: Now you will know what frail, small creatures you are. Servo: Is this voice effect *absolutely* necessary? Mike: No. Kim: We're losing hull integrity. Chakotay: Increase power to structural reinforcement. Crow: They can DO that!? [Kes starts to gouge out Tannis's eyes telepathically] Crow: I thought his powers were greater than hers. Tannis: (gasping) Sispyria! Servo: (as if to a reluctant student) Come on, call out to her telepathically. Sispyria: You show me mercy after what I did to you? Janeway: Yes. Servo: You fool! Tuvok: Do not fear your negative thoughts. They are a part of you. They are a part of every living being... even Vulcans. Kes: (incredulously) You!? Crow: Yeah, Tuvok belonged to the college Republicans. [the Nowhere Man promo runs as they leave the theater...] voiceover: The conspiracy has silenced everyone in Thomas Veil's life except for one person, and who it is will shock you. Servo: Only if you've missed all the promos they've been running all week long. -- Z. ____ "I am the Lone Locust of the Apocalypse! \ / Think of me when you look to the night sky!" \/