From: pem4958@is.nyu.edu (Petrea Mitchell)
Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc,rec.arts.startrek.current,alt.tv.mst3k
Subject: MSTing Voyager ("Tattoo")
Followup-To: rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc
Date: 8 Nov 1995 17:45:09 GMT
Organization: New York University
Message-ID: <47qqb5$agk@cmcl2.NYU.EDU>
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	The following article contains spoilers for the Voyager episode
"Tattoo", which explains how Chakotay got his tattoo and briefly questions
the validity of Darwinism vs. creationism. The following is meant for en-
tertainment purposes only and is not meant as a slam against anyone who is
actually enjoying Voyager.
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	Once again, those responsible for these lines are Jeremy Rosen-
berg, Kevin Snell, and me. The consensus developed during one commercial
break was that this was an improvement on "Persistence of Vision", not
up to the level of _Dances With Wolves_, but better than _Congo_. We got
to the TV just after it started, and the first thing we saw was the away
team in the quarry...

"Hey, they're in _Fugitive Alien_."

[first sight of the guy in the hat]
"Now it's like `Kung Fu'."
"No, they're in Jurassic Park!"

Chakotay's dad(?): The rubber tree people...
"That was my favorite Sid & Marty Krofft show."

"The sky gods must be crazy."

[shot of the asteroid during the credits]
"The Ghost Planet!"

[shot of Voyager and the episode title]
"De plane, boss! De starship! ...'cause it's Tattoo, you see..."

Doc: How would you describe the pain? Sharp, burning, aching...
"Sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head..."

Kes: How about a day of rest?
"Shabbat?"

"I haven't got time for the pain."

Doc: I have no life.
"Much like many people watching this show."

[Chakotay begins filling Janeway in]
"<yawn> Prepare for character background, guys."

Chakotay: My father was always searching for the origins of our tribe.
"Uh, wouldn't that be *Earth*?"

"Oh, come on. Finding that sign was an everyday coincidence!"

"`Rubber people'?"
"They're big on safe sex."

Janeway: We're in the business of exploring.
"I thought they were on a warship."

Kim: I read no life signs.
"No, scan the *planet*, not the ship."

Paris: Harry, what if we...
"Give 'em hell, Harry."

[Chakotay calls for Neelix]
"Can't leave without the chef, no..."

B'elanna: We can't transport.
"Okay, break out the emergency plot."

[shot of the shuttle]
"Great, they're in _The Neverending Story_ again."

[Chakotay flashes back to a rainstorm]
"Grasshopper, get out of the rain!"

Dad: That's why they call it the rain forest.
"That's why they call it the blues."

Dad: Maybe that's why they keep biting you.
"Oh, bite *me*..."

Chakotay: I don't need the spirits to guide me.
"How about gin, whiskey..."

[the face appears in the window]
"Mufasa!"

Doc: I've infected myself with 37-hour [some name] flu.
"Ad I dod't seeb to be adversely affected."

[the Doc blows his nose]
"Holographic tissue paper, neat!"
[and tosses the tissue away]
"Uh, where'd that go? Did it just vanish?"
"He needs a holographic wastebasket."

[the away team pokes through the jungle]
"Where'd they land with all the trees and stuff?"

"They're in the Philadelphia Zoo treehouse."

[Neelix puts his hand on Tuvok's shoulder while enthusing]
"Get that hand off of me."
"Take that hand off or pull back a bloody stump."

[shot of B'elanna holding some gadget]
"That's either a very scientific instrument or a Nerf toy."

[stock footage of a raptor]
"It's `National Geographic Explorer'."

Dad: I suppose you've been accepted to Starfleet Academy.
"I wanna join the army. They're good guys. Especially Chopper. He's a nut."

"Look, son, I just need you to stay on after the harvest."

Dad: You're between worlds...
"They're in the Wood between the Worlds?"

[another shot of B'elanna with the gadget]
"Hey, there's a can of beer in that."
"It's a Molson."

[the bird attacks Neelix]
"Now they're ripping off Hitchcock!"
"He doesn't do a good Tippy Hedrin either."

"Are these people in the Channelwood Age?"

[Neelix is beamed up]
"But they couldn't transport... and..."

[back to Sickbay, where the Doc's voice is weird]
"Picardo! You're doing the wrong voice!"

"No, don't examine me. You'll get holographic snot all over me."

"He's got the Churchill disease."
"[Churchill voice] There is nothing to fear but-- achoo!"

[Doc rubs his head]
"I have a headache this big a--"
[cut to bridge]
"...oh, I didn't finish."

[back in the village]
Chakotay: It must have been abandoned recently.
Tuvok: On what do you base that conclusion?
"The TVs are still on."
"The toilet seats are up."

Janeway: Do you want to call it a day?
"No, I'll call it a twilight."
"I'll call it Sean."

B'elanna: There are readings we've never encountered before.
"A-gain?"
"We don't know a lot of stuff."

[Chakotay pauses and looks skyward]
"Give me a line, spirits..."

[the away team puts down their phasers]
"Now the spirits demand that B'elanna take off her shirt and paint herself
green."

[Chakotay and his dad are surrounded by natives with spears]
"Indy! Give me the idol!"

[shot of the lead native]
"It's Fabio."

[Chakotay reaches for his phaser and a spear lands by his hand]
"Okay, I'll use the spear then."

[Chakotay's dad steps forward]
"He's Paul McCartney."

[Chakotay's dad puts down his hat]
"Here. Have... a hat. In our culture... people wear them... on their heads."

[the lead native advances as Chakotay's dad talks]
"Look, just speak English. I have a hairdresser's appointment at 2."

[Chakotay's dad draws a symbol on the ground; the natives inspect it]
"Oh, that's disgusting! I can't believe you drew that!"

"Could you say that again? I didn't quite catch your subtitle..."

[the natives greet Chakotay and his dad]
"So, you guys got cable?"

"We have trinkets for you, too!"

[Chakotay is surrounded by young women]
"Say, what's your phone number?"

"It's `The Young Chakotay Chronicles'."

Someone: Hey, now!
"I've got a real complaint!"

[a storm blows in]
"This is beginning to remind me of _Bride of the Monster_."

[tree "falls on" Chakotay]
"Now it's `Attack of the Killer Trees'."

[Chakotay's pin falls off]
"Damn, my Star Trek convention pin!"

[taking another shuttlecraft down is discussed]
"We can't, there's a small craft advisory."

[Janeway talks to the Doc]
"[throaty whisper] Rosebud...!"
"He sounds like Dr. Claw."
"[whisper again] I will get Gadget!"
"[ditto] Another visitor! Stay awhile!"

[Kim grins at the Doctor]
"Oh, how the mighty have fallen."

Doc: I don't understand.
"[whisper] The White Wonder should be in my power!"

[the Doc lies down and grimaces]
"And I have another three seasons left in my contract-- sheesh..."

[shot of Chakotay "pinned" beneath the tree]
"Oh, that tree is so incredibly lying on him."
"Oh, how will he ever get up?"

"But did anybody hear the tree fall on him, that's what I want to know."

[Chakotay wanders into the village]
"Whee! Now I can play on the monkey bars!"

"It looks like something from `Beyond 2000'."

[Chakotay wanders some more]
"I think I'll light a match and carelessly toss it into the underbrush."

"Are you there, sky spirits? It's me, Margaret."

[Chakotay keeps wandering]
"Go on, there's plenty of time left to kill in this episode."

"It's a ruined sun dome."

[Chakotay starts to disrobe as the camera zooms in]
"Uh-oh, another flashback scene."
"Looks like a flash*ing* scene..."

Leader guy: Make our cousin one of us!
"Hey, that's dirty!"

[Chakotay is partly disrobed by young people]
"Bad touch, very bad touch..."
"We-he-hell, if you insist!"

[shot of Chakotay's dad being tattooed]
"Now we feed him to the volcano."
"No, we need a virgin..."
[shot of Chakotay]
"I resent him."

[Chakotay takes his clothes off]
"Of course they're going to manage to beam him up now..."
"Officer, there's a naked man in my house and he's nude!"

"You're scaring them all away."

[Chakotay picks up some native garment]
"Eww, he's molting."
"Just put something on, for the love of God!!"

B'elanna: Something appears to be controlling the forces of nature, making
it impossible to beam down.
"Maybe the transporter's just flaky."

Janeway to Paris: Can you land the ship?
"Okay, but I'll have to be smarmy and smug."

[Chakotay approaches the cave]
"He's going to face Darth Vader in there."

"Hey, I can't get in there if there's lightning and stuff..."
"It's Vaal!"

[Chakotay steps closer and happens to not get hit by lightning]
"[unexcited] Boy, that was lucky he made it through."

B'elanna: We're in a vortex...
"The camera's tilted. Just straighten it."

[exterior shots of the ship]
"The blood sea of Istar."

"They're going to get swallowed by a whale."
"The weather started getting rough, the tiny ship was tossed... sorry."

[B'elanna at a control panel with one hand at the top]
"Hey, what are you doing down there with the other hand?"

[Chakotay walks along the cave]
"He's in Fraggle Rock again."

Chakotay: If you can hear me, speak to me.
"If you're not there, never mind."

[a light shines on Chakotay]
"Where were you the night of the 32nd?"

Chakotay: I don't understand...
"Neither do we, and it's bugging us!"

[the lead alien steps forward]
"[Goodfeathers voice] The Godpigeon doesn't want you in his territory."

"He looks like a guy that it would be funny if I said his name."

Janeway: B'elanna, I need that power!
"I told you, Captain, I cannae give ye any more!"

[the alien places something in Chakotay's hand]
"Thanks, but--"
[and presses it]
"Bzzzzzt!"

[shot of the alien]
"He has a Van Morrison nose."

"Wait, I have a whole preachy speech coming up."

[cut to the snowscape and the alien and guy in furs]
"The residents present `Eskimo'."
"I am Conan!"

"You know, it's really cold here!"
"Meanwhile, on Hoth..."

"Joel, am I tripping?"
"Here, the director tries an arty shot."
"It's an R.E.M. video."
"They just shot somebody's backyard to save money."

[back to the present]
"The hell was that about?"

[closeup of Chakotay]
"He's naked again!"
[and of the alien]
"Oh god, they're both naked!!"

[shot of the back of Chakotay's head obscuring one side of the alien's
face]
"Okay, now I'm going to cover one eye and read the screen."

[the computer counts down the altitude]
"1 meter... 1 centimeter..."

"We could just give up and hide under some coats." (This is Jeremy's catch-
  phrase now.)

[suddenly everything's fine]
"Hey, you don't like the weather on this planet, wait five minutes!"

"So... let's land a squash a piece of that jungle, huh?"

[Chakotay and the alien bid farewell]
"You're getting on that ship. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow..."

Alien: It took us two generations to reach this place.
"And boy, are our arms tired! Thank you!"

Chakotay: My father died fighting...
"But there's not enough time for a flashback to show that."

[another alien walks past behind Chakotay]
"He's gonna stab him...!"

[close-up of Chakotay]
"In the right light, he'd look like Clinton."

[Chakotay draws the infamous symbol]
"Seen it. Taped it."

"Shamusi... isn't that a killer whale?"

[Kes, Tuvok, and Kim beam down]
"It's a good thing they brought Kes, or the mission would have been ex-
  actly the same. But less purple."

[and they see Chakotay hugging the alien]
"The hell?"
"We joined at the wrong time. We can come back later."

[more footage of the raptor]
"Enjoy me, won't you?"
"Polly want a cracker!"
"I heard the owl call my name..."

[they beam up]
"So, we'll just leave his uniform behind to violate the Prime Directive."


	Next week... it's always possible it could be a good episode. But
the consensus doubts it.


--
    /              <|> <|>      <pravn@mvp.com>      <pravn@gm.dev.com>
Petrea Mitchell     ** GO NINERS **      <pem4958@is.nyu.edu>
I don't know what to call it, but the first section of it just opened on Bay-
MOO. If you like puzzles, telnet to "baymoo.sfsu.edu 8888" and look for the
Foyer of No Return (just past the Outback, off the Other Worlds Commons.)
            *** Push the button... someone. :~( ***                eWorks!