From: pem4958@is.nyu.edu (Petrea Mitchell)
Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc,alt.tv.mst3k,rec.arts.startrek.current
Subject: MSTing Voyager ("Cold Fire")
Followup-To: rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc
Date: 16 Nov 1995 19:23:51 GMT
Organization: New York University
Message-ID: <48g348$ihd@cmcl2.NYU.EDU>
NNTP-Posting-Host: is.nyu.edu
X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.2 PL2]

	The following contains spoilers for the Voyager episode "Cold
Fire". If you don't remember a new Caretaker, do not read any further.
This MSTing is meant in the spirit of fun, not as a slam at fans of
"Voyager".
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	The usual team was on hand: Jeremy Rosenberg, Kevin Snell, and me.

[flashback to "Caretaker"]
"Last year, on `Voyager'..."

[The Caretaker collapses to a lump of rock]
"Don't touch it! It's condensed, pure evil."

["TEN MONTHS LATER..."]
"[baby-like] Waaaah!"

[shot of Voyager]
"I can't believe we're still standing here, looking at this rock."

[Tuvok with incense]
"I'm sooo high..."

[Kes senses the thoughts of others]
"My dog tells me to kill you."
"Oh no, somebody's got `Physical' by Barbara Mandrell stuck in their head."

Kes: I can sense Neelix...!
"Hey! He's fantasizing about the captain!"

[cut to the Doc examining a patch of moss or something]
"I found this in my stool this morning. I'm not sure what it is."

[a strange sound buzzes through Sickbay]
"Oh, someone's getting their teeth drilled on the next set."
"It's the plumbing. Just jiggle the handle a little."

[the Doc pulls open a microwave-like cupboard to reveal...]
"The killer cheese!"
"It's... a quickly vibrating piece of mucus."

"They take a while to cook and make a weird noise, but these guys is good
  eatin'."

[shot of Voyager flying past a sun in the credits]
"Help! How do you stop this crazy thing?!"

[back in Sickbay, examining the rock]
"The booger was alive, it really was!"

Tuvok: Captain.
"Can I keep it as my pet rock?"

[debate about whether the rock has life-force left]
"[elderly voice] Let's find out. One, two, three..."

Janeway: How's your compass?
"[at least two of us in unison] Compass??"

"How do you find magnetic north in space?"

[another shot of the magic rock]
"Look, it's the brain that wouldn't die."
"The *rock* that wouldn't die."
"No, the booger that wouldn't die."

[Paris works at his console]
"Captain, what's this button, `return home'? I've been wondering about it
  for a while."

Janeway, looking at the other Caretaker's vessel: What is that?
"It's that shot from `Caretaker' that we're recycling."

Someone: Sensors show over 3000 Ocampa.
"Hey, it's a convention."
Janeway: What would they be doing here?
"They appear to be filksinging, Captain..."

[the vessel fires at _Voyager_]
Chakotay: Shields.
"No, weapons."

[the shots impact the ship]
"Yup, they're weapons."

Tuvok: We're receiving a message from the aliens.
"It says, `We've got weapons...'"

Janeway to Kes: There are thousands of Ocampa on that ship.
"Well, there appear to be. We've only seen one."
"We reckon..."

Janeway: Hail the array.
"Hey, array!"

"Oh, the array's screening its calls."

[Kes has her first sight of the male Ocampa]
"Hello, nurse!"

Tunis (or whatever his name was): It's not magic.
"It's mere prestidigitation."

Kes: It's a long story.
"Which I'll probably tell you anyway."

Kes: ...and we can tell each other our stories.
"We'll have milk, and cookies, and s'mores!"

Tunis to Kes: I'd like to speak with you alone.
[shot of Kes]
"He asked me!"

[Janeway acquiesces]
"Oh, you're expendable-- I mean..."

[shot of Tunis]
"He looks like Leland Palmer."

Tunis: I would not have expected to find life in a place so sterile.
"Ooh, that stung."

Tunis: These walls cut you off from the world around you.
"Which would be... space."

Tunis: Would it surprise you to learn that I'm fourteen years old?
"I thought you were a senior!"

Kes: Where is she?
"She's dea--d-d-d-*downstairs*."

[Tunis supercharges the plants]
"They become inedible when I do this, but..."

"And it's *not* the Force."  (Jeremy added this in all subsequent discus-
  sions of Ocampa powers)

[shot of Kes and plants]
"[singing] To a world of pure imagination, we'll begin..."

Tunis: We'll talk again.
"When I have the other three-quarters of my jacket on."

[overhead shot of Kes and plants]
"[singing] Somewhere..."

Tunis or Kes: With a longer lifespan, we could become more intelligent.
"We could score over 400 on the SATs."

[Janeway reassures Kes about talking to Tunis]
"But we saw what you did, so behave."

[Tunis again]
"He looks like all three of the guys from `Exit 57'."

[Tunis offers to train Kes]
"Sure, we're in no rush to get back home..."

Tuvok: Do not underestimate...
"The power of the Force."

Kes: I can't move the cup.
"I tell you to move it?"

Tunis: Wouldn't it taste better hot?
"No."

[Kes begins to giggle again]
"I'll give you five dollars to stop smiling."

Kes or Tunis: There is no cup...
"Sure there is. It's right there!"

[we enter the Cocoa Puffs Dimension]
"Is this like the sneeze in _Outbreak_?"

Tunis: Use the fire in your mind.
"Light a match in your mind..."

[another shot of the "atoms"]
"They're Milk Duds."
"[as Kes] You're Willy Wonka!"

[Kes smiles at the bubbling cup]
"Cool! Can I do this to Neelix's brain?"

Tunis: Tomorrow, I'll take you to the next level.
"We'll start using Sega."

[Neelix embraces Kes]
"I'm not sure how yet, but I think this could improve our sex life!"

[Kes show Tuvok what Tunis taught her]
"I've gained one psionic science and two devotions."

[Tuvok observes the coffee]
"You've been reading ahead!"

[shot of flaming atoms]
"Firewalk with me."

"Kingsford coffee lights quicker."
"Only you can prevent cold fire."

[the atoms turn green and Tuvok's head starts bleeding]
"`Voyager'. Catch the fever."

[Tuvok wakes up]
"I had this dream that I ws in Oz, and *you* were there, and *you*..."

[The Doc explains what happened]
"By the way, I was in _Gremlins 2_. I advise you to pick it up."

"There is no pain-- owwww..."

[Tuvok insists on continuing Kes's lessons]
"Tomorrow, I'll teach you how to make things explode."

[shot of the ships]
"Pick up, caretaker, we know you're there!"

[Kes in the arboretum]
"I never get tired of fondling my plants."

Tunis: You're different from everyone else on this ship.
"Yeah, they'll outlive you by 80 years."

[Tunis continues to lecture]
"You're a much better actor! You have to grow and move on!"
"They know not about bible. They know not about Home Shopping Network."

"Stop fondling the flower!!"

"This reminds me of Henry James for some reason."

Kes, gasping for air: It's more than touching...
"It's breathing."

[Kes looks through her enhanced senses]
"Somebody got Adobe Photoshop."
"Stop fooling around with the color on the TV."

[Kes returns from her experience in an odd position]
"Well. That's different."
"She's limber."

Tunis: They've been transformed.
"Yeah, from living life into dead life."

Tunis: Life, death, it's all the same!
"Except it's opposites."

[Tunis asks Kes to live on the array again]
"We'll make you into a PsiCop."
"We can make you stronger. Faster."

"Join us!"
"Conform... conform..."

Tunis: She lives in Exsocia.
"A place of really bad TV."

(Kevin looked at his watch, and commented:) "Hey, only ten minutes left and
  nothing's happened. This bites!"

[back to Engineering]
"The booger's back."
"It's a disco booger."

"We've got just long enough for the caretaker to say, `No, I'm not sending
  you home.'"

[tentacles slide into Engineering]
"Cthulhu!"

[Kes is staring into space]
"I'm just dinking around with some atoms..."

Tunis: The others are waiting for you.
"All three of them."

[Janeway enters Engineering and looks around]
"Hello? Ollie ollie oxen free..."

[the railing around the warp core is seen in the background]
"They've got a matchbox racer track set up back there."

[the caretaker materializes as a little girl]
"I'm this many years old."

"She doesn't have any pupils in her eyes."

[Neelix bursts in on a potential argument with a plate of something]
"Whooo wants ginger snaps?"

[the female Caretaker suddenly becomes a baritone]
"Someone has the voice of Ursula the Sea Witch."

[Janeway is lifted from the floor]
"You drank the fizzy lifting drinks."

[back to Neelix, Kes, and Tunis]
"Stop fighting and have some spaghetti."

[Neelix is thrown into the wall]
"Dwarf-tossing!"

[Kes and Tunis start a psychic battle]
"Get out of my mind, you freaked-out elf!"

[Tunis's head starts leaking]
"This has more bodily fluids than an episode of `Ren & Stimpy'."

[shots of B'elanna and Janeway]
"So, what's going on again?"
"Well, there's people falling down..."
[Chakotay grabs some piece of gadgetry]
"...and a giant syringe."

[Chakotay zaps the caretaker]
"He shot Alice!"
"Curiouser and curiouser."

Caretaker: You killed my mate!
"Mate? The old guy? Uh, this is *weird*..."

Janeway: You don't understand.
"I'm a magic man."  (Okay, that was easy.)

[the caretaker turns back into a tentacled thing and rises away]
"[singing] Go, go Power Rangers!"

[Janeway sighs]
"What a day."

Tuvok?: She appears to have retreated to subspace.
"Just waiting for another episode."

[Kes and Tuvok talk about why her new powers have gone]
"Oh no, psionicbabble!"

"I think I'm going to go write _The Trial_."

[someone mentions barbarism]
"What's so violent about cutting hair? Thank you! ...see, `barberism'..."

[Tuvok mind-melds with Kes]
"My mind to your... wait, no, your mind and..."

[next week's promo]
"See, this is the episode where Seska will do that bondage thing with
  Chakotay."
"Gee, I was afraid Voyager was getting better."


--
    /              <|> <|>      <pravn@mvp.com>      <pravn@gm.dev.com>
Petrea Mitchell     ** GO NINERS **      <pem4958@is.nyu.edu>
I don't know what to call it, but the first section of it just opened on Bay-
MOO. If you like puzzles, telnet to "baymoo.sfsu.edu 8888" and look for the
Foyer of No Return (just past the Outback, off the Other Worlds Commons.)
            *** Push the button... someone. :~( ***                eWorks!