Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc,alt.tv.mst3k,rec.arts.startrek.current
From: zorak@netcom.com (Lone Locust of the Apocalypse)
Subject: MSTing Voyager: "Basics, Part II"
Followup-To: rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc
Organization: Screen Locusts Guild
X-SpaceGhost: Reading is fun for mentals.

Giddy with the warm afterglow of the Con, where a good time was had
by all (TM), I decided to actually watch and MST Voyager tonight.

Comments and MSTings on "Basics, Part II" (stardate 50032.7) follow.
Previous Voyager MSTings from me and from Petrea Mitchell's group can be
found at http://rtt.colorado.edu/~barklage/voymst/mst-voy.html

This is mostly in the spirit of fun... dunno if I'll continue to do
this regularly like I did early last season until it became unbearable,
but if you are unamused you can put /^MSTing Voyager/:j in your kill
file (for rn/trn; you tin and nn folks are on your own) to avoid any
future MSTings.

I've set Followup-To: rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc.

Spoiler protection...

First, some random musings:
- Dourif and Picardo were about the only redeeming features of this
episode.
- Janeway makes one of her poised, confident speeches about establishing
security protcols... and then Neelix wanders out alone into the night,
followed by Kes, also alone.
- the computer forgot to count Seska and her baby as people on board
when the doctor asked.  it did however pause inexplicably but
conveniently long enough for the doctor to moan "89!?" in between
giving the Kazon count and telling him about the Betazoid.
- for that matter, why didn't Seska, a smart, crafty Maquis, think to
ask the computer to check for hideaways when they first took control?
- and why, when she finally did ask, did she ask the computer to scan
for *intruders*?  if Suter is wearing a com badge as she seems to
expect, then why would the computer tag him as an intruder and not
another crewman?
- if Suter had to go to engineering to do whatever to the backup phaser
power couplings, then how did Paris expect the doctor to go do that?
have the improved the device that projects him around the ship so that
he can activate it himself?  (remember, I haven't been watching voyager
for a while...)

on to the riffs...

Majel: Last time on Star Trek: Voyager
Crow: something lame happened.

[Seska's video message plays]
Servo: (a la Butthead) huh huh huh huh, this sucks

[the "rescued" Kazon aboard screams and explodes]
Mike: I guess he didn't know the gum was loaded.
[remember those bubble gum commercials?]

Janeway: Make it clear to your people that we expect to be rescued.
Crow: sometime before the end of this episode.

Majel: And now, the conclusion.
Crow: to a bad two-parter.

[opening scene, we see a strange mound that looks like a giant butt]
Servo: look, they buried John Goodman in the sand!

[the crew walks along the planet's surface; a female crew member with
a baby struggles to keep up]
Chakotay: Let me help you.
Mike: After all, he's my son also.

[the ground rumbles]
Servo: Goodman must have farted.

[Janeway leads people into the a cave-like thing]
J: All right, people.  Follow me.  Let's take it slow.
Servo: slow-LY.

Janeway: This is the most defensible location we've see so far.
Mike: Plus it has a nice skylight.

Hogan: Neelix, look at this!
Mike: I found a gopher!

[looking at the humanoid bones outside the cave entrance]
Neelix: I'd say this is a do not disturb sign wouldn't you?
Mike: Nah, the garbage means "please make up this cave."

Neelix: Gather [the bones] up, Mr. Hogan.  [pause]  Is there a problem?
Servo: (sounding as much like Hulk Hogan as possible) You haven't been
  saying your prayers and eating your vitamins!

Neelix: Waste nothing, that's one of the first rules of survival.
Crow: (whispers) kill and eat Neelix!

random: Neelix, over here!
Mike: Another gopher!

[Neelix walks away; Hogan bends over to pick up bones and we hear a
rustling sound from the cave]
Servo: Shouldn't he be wearing a red shirt?

[from the tunnel cam, we see the monster's perspective as it rushes up
and snatches Hogan, who screams]
Crow: Another victim forced to watch Comedy Central.

[commercial break; one of them was the Hallmark ornament commercial]
announcer: The USS Voyager has just returned to earth!
Servo: so the show's over? (all cheer)
Neelix: I can't believe this!
Crow: my nose is shrinking!
Chakotay: I never thought it would actually happen!
Mike: my tattoo came off in the shower this morning!

[Paris tries to make his way to Talaxian space]
computer: vessel approaching on intercept course.
P: signature?
Crow: no, I don't think anyone wants your autograph.

Paris: I don't have time for this.  Computer, all stop!
Servo: Uh, you know that just stops the ship and not the flow of time,
  right?

[Janeway pretends to hold up some grubs; clearly a different shot from
the previous close-up of wriggling worms]
J: If anyone balks at eating these, tell them it's an order from
their captain.
MIke: OK, you first.

[Zimmerman scans Seska's baby with a thin, round device]
Servo: This baby needs lipstick.

Seska: I think we'll keep you just as you are.
Mike: (slight air of disgust) Is she coming on to the doctor?

Zimmerman: Perhaps he will develop more Kazon features as he matures.
Servo: Better start investing in hair spray companies.

computer: There are 89 Kazon...
Zimmerman: (incredulous moan) 89!?
computer: ... and one Betazoid on board.
Crow: and Seska, and Seska's baby.

[Zimmerman contacts Suter over the com badge]
Z: The ship has been taken over by the Kazon Nistrom.
Suter: (whispers) I know... I've been hiding.
Servo: (whispers) talk a little louder so you can blow my cover!

[the food party returns to the cave]            
Kim: Captain!  How do you like your eggs?
Crow: In my ovaries.

[Tuvok works on a bow]
Mike: Tuvok, this is no time to practice the cello!

[Janeway asks about the crew member's baby]
mother: I don't know, Captain... she seems tired... listless.
J: Maybe she's just adjusting to the environment.
Servo: Maybe she's upset about having a gummi bear stuck to her forehead.

Chakotay: ... you're stuck with the only Indian in the universe who
  can't start a fire by rubbing two sticks together.
Mike: he lost a merit badge because of that.

Chakotay: Something my father once told me about starting a fire...
Servo: use lots of lighter fluid.

[they cut people's hair to use as kindling and a fire starts, though
if you look carefully the source of the original flame is behind
everything]
Crow: oh, they used a lighter...

[as Chakotay rubs his hands in front of the fire an alien peers out from
behind some rocks]
Mike: peekaboo!

Neelix: If we put some bigger rocks around the fire, they'll reflect
  the heat better.
Servo: so lay your head down by the fire.

[Neelix wanders off to find bigger rocks]
Mike: is wandering alone into the dark part of the security protocols
  Janeway wanted?

[3 secs. after he leaves, Kes looks up, a thoughtful expression on her face]
Servo: wait a minute... I'm getting an idea...

[Paris talks to the Talaxian Cmdr. Paxim]
Paris: Don't worry, I have a plan.
(all): NOT!

[Zimmerman summarizes the situation to Suter, talking extremely rapidly]
Z: According to the computer, we're at warp.  We've got to figure out some
  way to slow the ship down before we get too far from the crew; that's
  our first priority.
Mike: Their first priority should be to slow the doctor's voice down.

[back on the planet's surface, we see a volcano spewing fire]
Servo: John Goodman popped a zit!

[the savages gathered around Kes and Neelix grunt and shove each other]
(Mike and bots hum Also Sprach Zarathustra)

Chakotay: Have you been able to tell if they have a leader?
Kes: I'd say it's the one with the claw.
Chakotay: I agree.
Servo: You just GOT here, Mr. Know-it-all.

Chakotay: Listen to the sound of my voice and you'll know that I mean
  you no harm.  I come without weapons...
Crow: the other six peple hiding have them.
Chakotay: ... but I must have my people back.  [gestures at Kes/Neelix]
[savage leader responds in native language]
Servo: Listen to the sound of MY voice and you'll know that we think
  you're total doofuses.

[after starting off at a brisk walk, Chakotay, Kes, and Neelix break into
a sprint to try and get away from the savages]
(Servo hums the Benny Hill song)

[other Starfleet people pop up and shoot arrows, spears, rocks, etc.]
Mike: so much for not having weapons.

[they duck into a cave; Chakotay looks around with a sort of stupid
"gee, lookee here" expression on his face]
Servo: hey, it's DARK in here!

Culla: If you're lying, I'll have your head.
Crow: I need more hair.

[back on the planet]
mother: she has a fever... I don't know what to do.
Mike: she has great maternal abilities.

Janeway: (worried) Chakotay's team should have been back by now.
Crow: How does she know?

[in Chakotay's cave]
Kes: I feel a breeze.
Servo: Neelix must've farted.

[the savages try to smoke them out]
Servo: Look, they're smoking grass!
Mike: The Grateful Dead play the delta quadrant...

[Chakotay decides they should try to sneak past the sleeping cave monster]
Ch: All right, let's take it slow.
(all): SLOW-*LY*!!!

[Belanna et al. create a diversion; Janeway et al. run down the slope
towards the cave mouth]
(all, singing at rapid tempo): hiho hiho it'sofftoworkwego...

[one of the crew loses his footing and falls towards the monster but
grabs onto the edge of the path]
Crow: ok, did anyone NOT see that coming?

[Tuvok and Chakotay poke at the ceiling where some rocks had previously
fallen, to try and trap the monster inside]
Servo: Oh, so that WAS a plot point.

[the rocks fall and trap the monster, possibly killing it?]
Servo: no animals were harmed during the making of this episode.

[the Kazon search the Jeffries tubes for the saboteur]
random Kazon: check the next level.
Crow: SEGA!

[Paris sends a message for the doctor]
P: When the attack begins, I need you to get the computer to block the
  discharge from the backup phaser power couplings.  You got that?  The
  backup couplings.
Mike: I'm repeating it because there's no such thing as rewind.

[Culla tells Seska about the scans being interfered with]
Seska: thuron particles?  that's an old Maquis trick to fool tricorders.
Mike: you weak-minded fool!  it's an old Jedi mind trick!

[Tuvok discusses the savages with Chakotay]
Tuvok: You may find nobility in the savage, commander, but he is
  only interetsed in killing you.
Crow: especially since you guys drew first blood.

Seska: Why are you still here?  I shut down your program when I left.
Servo: No, that was just the screen saver.

[the crew on the planet walk along the edge of the lava crater]
Mike: shouldn't they be trying to get AWAY from the lava?

[we see the savages going up another pathway nearby]
Servo: Oh, I see, they're going to have to cooperate with each other
and they'll make up and everything will be peachy keen.
Crow: This is Trek after all.

[we see the stranded savage]
Mike: How did it even get down there in the first place?
Servo: It's not even *really* stranded...

[Chakotay lifts the savage in sort of a fireman's hold]
Crow: Hey, watch where you put your hand, fella!

[Chakotay delivers the savage to the others]
Servo: (grunts in the manner of someone unloading something) here's
  your stupid plot device.

[the savage leader grunts his approval and gestures towards a path]
Mike: It's Miller time.

[Suter spends his dying efforts to activate the control panel]
Crow: got to... call... my agent!

[Seska comes to on some blinking floor panels]
Mike: Ma'am, your tanning session is over.

[Seska collapses next to her baby; Culla comes in and caresses her]
Culla: Seska!  (sees that she's dead and moans)
Mike: (irritated tone) Oh, now *I* have to breast feed the baby!

[the savage leader wraps something up in a leaf and tucks it under
the baby's chin]
Servo: this drug works for us, so it must work for you too...
[baby stops crying]
Kes: (turns to the savage leader) she's breathing better, isn't she?
Mike: You expect him to understand you?

[savages jabber and point excitedly at the horizon]
Crow: look, the end of the episode is in sight!

[Tuvok views Suter's body in sick bay]
Tuvok: I offer you a Vulcan prayer, Mr. Suter.  May your death bring
  you the peace that you never found in life.
Servo: That's a prayer?
Mike: Pretty short one.

[Chakotay looks at Seska's body]
Crow: Thank God we won't be seeing her any more.
[he covers her up]
Servo: mmrmrhrph!  (muffled yelling) I'm not dead yet!

[from the promo for next week's episode, which looked like a lame
time-travel episode with ratings stunt guest star George Takei]
announcer: a painful memory is destroying Tuvok's mind!
[Tuvok loses his grip on a girl hanging over a cliff]
Crow: so it's Voyager meets Cliffhanger meets Dark Page. [TNG season 7]

-- Z.
                                                                           ____
  A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely         \  /
  rearranging their prejudices.  [William James]                            \/