Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc,alt.tv.mst3k,rec.arts.startrek.current From: zorak@netcom.com (Lone Locust of the Apocalypse) Subject: MSTing Voyager: "Non Sequitur" Message-ID: Followup-To: rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc Sender: zorak@netcom11.netcom.com Organization: Screen Locusts Guild Date: Tue, 26 Sep 1995 07:16:27 GMT Followups directed to rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc. Past MSTings are available at ftp://ftp.netcom.com/pub/zo/zorak/voymst. This is all in the spirit of fun -- I actually do like TNG/DS9/VOY. If you aren't amused, and you use rn or trn, you can add /^MSTing Voyager/:j to your killfile (hit control-k) and you won't see my future MSTings. If you don't use trn, you ought to :-) Feedback is welcome (except "Why are you harshing on Voyager?" stuff which will be ignored). MSTings and spoilers for this week's Voyager, "Non Sequitur" (stardate 49011; no fractional part given during the episode). Riffs are more or less randomly assigned to Servo, Crow, or Mike, although some of them are more appropriate assignments. OK, this episode was particularly lame. Oh gee, another parallel universe/multiple reality/space-time anomaly. Major excitement. And there were some really sloppy effects, considering this is the 9th season of TNG/DS9/VOY, not to mention the original series. (The particular sloppy effects are noted in the riffs...) Just to give you an idea, I covered an unprecedented four pages of legal pad (front and back) in my notes for this episode. Most average between 2 and 3 ("The 37's" took 3 pages, front and back). Yes, I use paper. The computer isn't in a convenient place relative to the TV. [Harry thinks out loud about where he is] Kim: San Francisco. Mike: I left my heart there once... Kim: this can't be a dream, it's too... real, it's too clear. So what does that leave? Servo: bad acid trip? [Kim steps outside onto the street] Crow: welcome to the Paramount sound stage. [talking to Cosimo, the coffee shop dude] Kim: eight months... and you've seen me every day? Crow: we're going steady! [Lt. Laska and Kim rush off to their meeting] Mike: hey, he didn't get to finish his coffee. Admiral: I have a meeting at 1100 hours with the head of Starfleet Security. She doesn't like to be kept waiting. Crow: when I'm late, she gets out the handcuffs! Servo: was that this episode's token reference to women in power? Admiral: Let's get this under way. Lieutenant Laska? Servo: how much you want to bet that Lieutenant Laska's first initial is an `A'? Laska: Ladies and gentlemen, you are looking at the new runabout, Yellowstone. It's equipped with tetrion plasma warp nacelles and designed for a variety of mission profiles. Servo: just $39.95 on the home shopping network! Crow: But wait, there's more! You get the phaser array, the deflector dish... [Harry looks over his office, complete with diplomas etc.] Kim: Guess I'm pretty good. Servo: shouldn't you ask Libby that? [he sits down at his desk and turns on his computer console] Mike: I guess I have time for a game of Tetris... [he reads his service record out loud] Servo: Why is he reading this out loud? Mike: he's getting hooked on phonics! [this is a pet peeve of mine -- I hate it when they come up with totally contrived ways to give information to the audience. Especially things that go along the lines of "Well, as you know" and then go on to describe something completely fundamental to the plot that, in real life, you would never be explaining to the other person.] Kim: Computer [...] have there been any temporal anomalies in the space-time continuum reported in teh last 48 hours? Computer: Negative. No temporal anomalies have been reported. Mike: that fact itself is an anomaly, isn't it? Computer: Information on U.S.S. Voyager is classified. [audible breath] Security clearence level 3 or above is required to access files. Crow: since when do computers have to take a breath when speaking? [One might blame Majel Barrett for this, but ultimately one of the editors really should have caught this and had it re-done...] [Kim, looking lost, bumps into Cosimo and asks where his apartment is] Cosimo: You live right over there [gestures vaguely down the street] Servo: what, one of these buildings down the street? Crow: oh, THAT helps. [if you pay attention the first time Kim exits the apartment and walks down the street, you'll see that the coffee shop is on the same side of the street as his apartment building; later you can use this to determine that Cosimo points DOWN the street. Harry can't possibly tell from the vague pointing gesture which building he's indicating.] Cosimo: Everything's going to be fine. Trust me. Crow: I can't, I've watched too much Trek. Libby: What can I do to help? Kim: Just... tell me you love me. [bots make barfing noises] Libby: I tell you that every day, aren't you getting sick of hearing it? Servo: I'm sure WE will... Kim: Pretend I haven't heard you say it in a long time. Pretend that we haven't seen each other for months. Crow: Pretend you left the gas on and you're both asphyxiating. Libby: So, if we haven't seen each other for months, where have you been? Servo: seeing someone else. I mean, uh... D'OH!! Kim: We got a little lost. Mike: Captain Janeway wanted to stop and ask for directions but Chakotay wouldn't let her. [Kim gets out of bed at night and looks out the window] Crow: Have you noticed how in the Trek universe, every office building and apartment in San Francisco has a view of the Transamerica building? [Kim, reading out loud again, wakes up his fiancee] Libby: Harry? It's 4 in the morning, what are you doing? Mike: I'm picking up babes on America Online. Kim: I'm from another reality. Servo: Whose reality, yours or mine? Crow: My reality AND yours, that's whose! Servo: What are you saying? [a weak Kentucky Fried Movie reference] Libby: You've been acting strange all day. Mike & bots, in unison: strange-LY!! Libby: Maybe you should talk to a counselor, a neurologist -- there may be something wrong with you. Kim: I will. But there's someone else I need to see first. Servo: Shirley Maclaine? Kim: I've got to see Paris. Libby: But you just said you were going to Marseilles. in unison: D'OH!!!!! [+ groaning noises] [this one is a pre-riff, and the timing is somewhat important...] [Kim goes to the bar to find Paris] Kim: Tom? Crow: I'm Bart Simpson... Paris: Who the hell are you? Paris: what do you see, Ensign? Kim: A loser... and a drunk. [Paris pulls back dramatically] Servo: Gee, you think he's going to throw a punch? Admiral: why did you travel to Marseilles, France this morning? Crow: He wanted to see Paris. Servo: Not THAT business again... Cosimo: We exist in what you would call a temporal inversion fold in the space-time matrix. [Harry starts to shake his head, and Cosimo waves nonchalantly] it's not necessary to understand. Mike: Besides, I just made it up anyway. Cosimo: You might return to your original reality, or you might find yourself a billion years in the future, or at some time before sentient life even existed on your planet! Kim: I guess I'll have to take that chance. Crow: [sarcastically] Gee, I wonder which one will happen. [Cosimo hands him the little disk to locate the time stream] Servo: hey, they're still playing with POGs in the 24th century! Libby: You used to say you belonged here with me! Crow: that was before I got a whiff of your morning breath! Libby: But if you're really Harry Crow: then you have to shave your back regularly! [the tampering alarm goes off on the security anklet] Servo: thank God that went off and spared us any more of this dialogue... [Paris appears out of nowhere and KO's the security dude chasing Kim] Servo: It's a Paris ex machina! Paris: I don't know if I'm supposed to be on Voyager like you've told me, but it sounds a whole lot better than the life I have here -- I'm willing to take my chances, Ensign. Servo: canned dialogue number one hundred and twenty-two. Kim: The alien said that if I recreate the conditions of the accident and fly into the time stream, there's a chance I might be able to get back into my reality. Paris: [incredulously] "might"!? Kim: He couldn't give me any guarantees. Crow: [even more sarcastically than before] The suspense is killing me! [the stolen shuttle flies towards the closing space doors] Servo: [in a "science documentary voice-over" tone] sensing foreign parasites, the plant quickly closes its stomatic opening. Kim: I'm entering the coordinates of the time stream into the main computer. Paris: Adjusting course to match. Servo: the *stars* aren't moving outside! Mike: shhh!! [in fact, every time they use the shot where the camera is looking directly at Harry, the stars outside the windows are stationary. Oops.] [the Nebula class starship in pursuit hails them] [over the com system]: Attention runabout Yellowstone! Shut down your engines or we will open fire! Servo [in same tone]: pull over and have your license and registration ready! Crow: better hope it isn't Stacey Koons... Kim: tetrion plasma emits multi-flux gamma radiation! [throughout this and the ensuing explanation, Mike and the bots chant, in unison]: techno-babble... techno-babble... techno-babble... Paris: THey've dropped to one-tenth impulse. [they exchange grins and chuckles] Servo: It's Miller time! Kim: Activating polaron scan... Mike: Activating bogus-on scan... Paris: impact in 4... 3... 2... [nothing happens] Mike: Uh, I think the next number is 1. Kim: Wait a minute... I'm forgetting something. Crow: You left the oven on. Janeway: B'elanna, can you tie the transporter directly into the main deflector dish, use it to extend the signal? Torres: I'll try. Servo: How come they never tried that on the Enterprise? Mike: shh!! [spoken to a befuddled Paris] Kim: I owe you one. Crow: I didn't know you felt that way! -- Z. ____ Laws... so widely disobeyed and which cannot be enforced only promote \ / disrespect for the law in general. [New Jersey Assemblyman Stephen \/ Mikulak, in reference to 55 MPH speed limits]